Midlife Crisis

Whats the midlife crisis? Is it someone looking in the mirror one day and seeing the lines for the first time and wishing they had their youthful looks again? So in turn dye there hair, get botox for the first time, go on itunes and download the latest albums so they know what tunes there dancing to whilst they beg their now teenage children to go clubbing with them whilst all their friends call them milf or dilf.

Is the midlife crises a sudden realization that we aint getting any younger and we want to take back our lives again and stop living for someone else? Trapped in a loveless marriage or spent the last 20 years bringing up your beautiful children.

Most people don't realise that we only get one chance at this life until that very moment we look in the mirror one day and think what the fuck happened to the last 20 years.

What people dont understand is no one wants someone to be a sheep to conform and change who you are, we want the real you. Trying to conform and change who you are only creates bitterness and lost time.... Be the crazy mam that lives on a boat..... Be the strange dad that risks his life climbing mountains.... be the best cook in the world who wants to create a loving home and makes the best chocolate cake BUT never be a sheep and never think i have to someone else because society says so.

I could go on about my past and who I am today. But one thing I can say is i'm not conventional and im not your typical parent but what gives me joy is seeing my daughter's pride on how different I am. How she goes to school telling everyone im a singer or I've brought her back lava from iceland or i'm walking 300 miles. I could of easily of got a 9 to 5 with a secure wage. But Id rather follow my dreams and take my daughter on this amazing journey even if it means sometimes I loose and sometimes I win. I know i'm showing my daughter everything I am and everything i think life should be.

So the next time someone says are you going through a midlife crises say "no I've just opened up my eyes and realised i need to be who i truly am" And if you ain't hit your midlife crises yet, invite it in and let it begin now.

Conclusion:
One life live it.
Adventure starts outside your comfort zone xxx

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Depression

From as far back as i can remember id always struggled with life. My mind was sensitive to everyone and everything around me. Even as a kid i had fears of dying or getting hurt and rejection. I remember standing at the top of the stairs pissing in my pants shouting down the stairs i don’t want to die. Unfortunately this was followed by a shout back to get into bed. By the time i was 12 i had become detached from the world, id struggle to be on this planet and my whole world was seen through misty glass as if i wasn’t here. Walking in supermarkets or public spaces made me panic and i would often seen running out or getting out my brown paper bag. Luckily i came back down to earth i cant remember how long it lasted but i guess between a year and three years. I wasn’t a happy child i know why and very few people know why but lets just say you wouldn’t believe me even if i told you.

Jumping on a few years after missing i believe up to 7 years of schooling i was told i couldn’t attend my last year of schooling as I'd never done any work so i left not being able to read or write properly and found myself as a brick layers labourer in Germany at the age of 15. Following that i took to roofing and at the age of 16 or 17 i went to live in ibiza and then followed by a successful career in musicals and cruise ships and other bits and bats. Everything was fine yes it was hard and my depression followed me around but i got through and i was always the life and soul of the party. So much happened in between that constituted me living in tents and caravans and sometimes on the streets but i was a free spirit and mostly i saw this as an adventure.

The next part of my life belongs to another blog as today i need to talk about how i am today.

4 months ago I'd have spells where the world would come crushing down on me it only lasted a few minutes but it was scary and i just put it down to being tired and then i remember setting up for a Christmas show and nearly collapsed and then it all started again i didn’t come out of it this time and i was took back to the old days where i became disconnected again. Constantly shaking and not wanting to leave the sofa for weeks on end i was sure i was going to die. I was sure this was the ending of me and I'd never been so scared in all my life because unlike before i didn’t have youth on my side and had had a life of heavy partying. Anyways it was time to pack to go to Thailand and as soon as i got in the airport i was fine, i was cured and for a full 3 weeks up until the day before i had to come back i was the old conna again. But that day before made me realise i wasn’t going back to the old Conna again and sure enough when i got back i was a mess, more detached i had a pressure in my head that was unbearable i wanted to crawl in bed and forget the world. I went for tests and was put on antidepressants and whilst i was waiting for them to kick in i was transported into a world of shit. Luckily i had the one person by my side to deal with me and look after me my best friend Zoe. For weeks she as cooked and cleaned for me and stroked my head as i fall asleep crying and for once in my life i have a friend that is also true family to me. If it wasn’t for her i think i would of lost everything including my mind. I am still not better and i don’t know when i will be but the good thing is i have good days and bad days, granted mostly bad days but for snatched moments i am on this planet and theres a light and i wont let this beat me but for everyone that knows me please don’t think I’m being ignorant or i don’t care and don’t get mad when i don’t answer your messages or cancel a catch up. I am poorly and i never know what tomorrow is going to bring you might not be able to see my disability. But it is there over me constantly like a black cloud showering me with acid every time i try to smile.

Today as not been a good day but yesterday was and i know i can feel like yesterday again.  So even though I’m bad i know theres a future.

One life live it to the max and don’t be ashamed if at some stage in your life you also might need help i just hope that when you do you have someone amazing around you to look after you and be your rock.

Can i add I’m also in therapy and have come off the anti depressants too so i can finally put my demons to bed.

Moral of the story don’t let the bastards bring you down you have beautiful invisible wings on your back that can transport you to wherever you want to be.

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Digital Age & My Thoughts

As kids we all remember being sent to the shops to buy a loaf of bread and a carton of milk or having to put ten pound on the electric meter. Good old days when you got 50p off your parents and went and bought 50 penny sweets and stuffing a few in our pockets when the shopkeeper wasn't watching. I remember there there always being a sense of community. Kids playing in the street, playing knock a door runaway, camping out on the green in front of our house for the whole six weeks holidays. We was let loose to cause as much trouble as possible but we was part of the community and known as the little shits that everyone on the estate took to their hearts.

Now the digital age as crept in and overnight suddenly there was killers out there that we know about, there are bad people lurching around every corner and over time any protective parent confined there kids to the house or garden, wrapped up in cotton wool and rightly so. Anyway back to the shops they don't seem to be there anymore well not like they used to be anyways cause these big things called supermarkets took over and offered better value, easier parking, click and collect, order online, open 24 hours. For the shops to keep up would be impossible, these giants wasn't only closing our shops they were also killing our community in joint force with the digital age. Well except for the odd local Spa or Nisa which had been robbing people for years anyways.

I miss my shops, and I miss that sense of the community and I hate that finally knowing what's out there. All the bad things that are keeping our children confined to the garden. All the chavs and cocky fuckers that intimidate you and make you scared of visiting your once bustling town centre and corner shops and most of all I hate seeing people's highlight of the week of going to the supermarket for there big shop. But have we come full circle? Can we make Britain great again but in a totally new way. The digital world is becoming the silent killer of the supermarket and online sales are slowly taking over.  No longer do we have to buy George from Asda, no longer is Topman and River Island the only place to shop for you to be the cool kid and no longer does our big shop have to be at Tesco.

Little old me predicts and don't quote me on this but give it a few years either the supermarkets go totally online competing against all these quirky little online retailers that shout out to individuals that want to be different and unique in their own way or the supermarkets die out completely. The latter is what I would like because they have been greedy and destroying communities for too many years. Anyway what about the community. What about our abandoned town centres that now only house social housing flats above shops that haven't had their shutters open for the last few years.

It takes balls and it takes local councils and residents alike to see a different future a future just like our European neighbours a community where people can come together once again. Instead of a load of new shops and shopping centres why don't we build coffee shops, quirky little pubs, plant trees and flowers and build heated porches. Why don't we invite bands and musicians to play the night away and entertain us whilst we go out for a coffee or a little cocktail. Instead of the towns lined with concrete and pavements, why don't we make it green and colourful, instead of white buildings why don't we paint them blue and pink and instead of longing for a night out to catch up with friends why don't we make it all child friendly and have a catch up whilst the kids run around without the fear of cars and chavs. Life isn't all about red wine at 7.

Everything goes full circle. And the digital age which once entertained our kids in whilst we protected them from the outside world could be the answer in destroying our supermarkets that destroyed our towns and village communities.

Although the digital age showed us the world and exposed us to more danger maybe its time we all got off our arses and build a better future.

Just a theory and to be honest I don't know if I'm making sense with this but it's these silly little things I think about when I'm on the road x

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Love

 

Welcome to my Blog.
Im beginning to write really to put into words how i feel and make sense of who i am. In no way do i want to push my views out there but maybe give us a comment if you feel.

Love

I remember someone saying to me once that I am always running away and didn't have the balls to face up and fight for my relationships, that i would grow old on my own. What they did not know though and what I hide was the fact i had been battling in my mind for months on how can we make this better or even more so how can i get out of this with as little hurt as possible. All i could see was a life of arguments and and a life without the one who was truly meant for me and being deprived of walking down the promenade at 80 years old holding the hand of my soul mate. Maybe i was scared of the fact my home was gonna end up the same as when i was growing up, which was always filled with violence and manipulative mind games.

More on that in my next blog.

Yes i ran and i ran as fast as i could leaving a trail of broken promises behind and maybe a few broken hearts whilst pushing that self destruct button as hard as i could until my next victim came along, I say victim but she was always going to be the one, my Disney Fairy tail and my happy ending and my soul mate. But flaws and cracks always appear and my happy ending was getting further and further away. I guess the honeymoon period had ended and the rose tinted glass no longer hid the fact we was on different paths and had different beliefs. Not that there was anything wrong with them it's just the fact they was finally being themselves instead of how i wanted them to be and the realisation of looking in to their eyes for the rest of my life was no longer an option so once again i'd run.

(You can put two good people together and make a bomb)

Is the grass greener now? Well all grass is green until you have walked on it countless times and when it dies it's time to move to the next field. Is being single better than being in a relationship. No but being single beats being with the wrong person.

Have i ever been in love YESSS and it was the most amazing feeling in the world. Imagine holding someones hand all night every night for years or coming home to special notes laying around the house and a deep understanding that can only be seen or understood by just the two of you. Imagine being in the car and holding her thigh with a deep grip or squeezing each others hands until they sweat and not having to say a word because you dont have too and then imagine it coming to an end The feeling cuts deeper than any knife ever could and i could just imagine every god up there who made it happen are screaming how, what, why........ (I ask myself this everyday).

When a love is that deep it affects people in different ways for some they hold on to you so tight and do everything to make sure they're not going to lose you, and in essence take away everything they loved about you in the beginning away, because them good qualities become an insecurity to them. They want to keep you in a bubble and not let anyone else come close to you. Every girl becomes a threat and a night away with the lads or a break alone becomes impossible because the stories that are made up in there mind are going to come true and it eats them up to the point of insanity and therefore in turn destroys them and also destroys you.

Thats all i want to say on that if im honest.

(I believe in soul mates)

Where am i now? Well im not out every weekend trying to shag everything in a skirt or saying yes to everyone on Tinder. Yes im a stripper but stripper aint short for slag. (Well not in my case anyways) this surprises people because if i had a penny for every time someone says to me and i quote "Bet you get loads of offers, Bet your shagging all the time, bet you could have anyone you want".

Is any of that true NOOOO because pointless sex is just pointless and is no more satisfying to me than watching porn. And would i really want to sleep with someone that wants to sleep with a stripper within the first hour of meeting them NOOOO.

Im not looking for anything for once in my life. These people who go from relationship to relationship breaking hearts and leaving a trail of destruction behind them with their broken promises. Take a minute to stop blaming everyone else for it failing and ask yourself do i need to find myself and more importantly take your time.

My Conclusion

If i don't find my Disney you will find me on a beach somewhere hot with a sangria on tap and my guitar in hand.

Dont let anyone clip your wings

xx

 

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