Depression

From as far back as i can remember id always struggled with life. My mind was sensitive to everyone and everything around me. Even as a kid i had fears of dying or getting hurt and rejection. I remember standing at the top of the stairs pissing in my pants shouting down the stairs i don’t want to die. Unfortunately this was followed by a shout back to get into bed. By the time i was 12 i had become detached from the world, id struggle to be on this planet and my whole world was seen through misty glass as if i wasn’t here. Walking in supermarkets or public spaces made me panic and i would often seen running out or getting out my brown paper bag. Luckily i came back down to earth i cant remember how long it lasted but i guess between a year and three years. I wasn’t a happy child i know why and very few people know why but lets just say you wouldn’t believe me even if i told you.

Jumping on a few years after missing i believe up to 7 years of schooling i was told i couldn’t attend my last year of schooling as I’d never done any work so i left not being able to read or write properly and found myself as a brick layers labourer in Germany at the age of 15. Following that i took to roofing and at the age of 16 or 17 i went to live in ibiza and then followed by a successful career in musicals and cruise ships and other bits and bats. Everything was fine yes it was hard and my depression followed me around but i got through and i was always the life and soul of the party. So much happened in between that constituted me living in tents and caravans and sometimes on the streets but i was a free spirit and mostly i saw this as an adventure.

The next part of my life belongs to another blog as today i need to talk about how i am today.

4 months ago I’d have spells where the world would come crushing down on me it only lasted a few minutes but it was scary and i just put it down to being tired and then i remember setting up for a Christmas show and nearly collapsed and then it all started again i didn’t come out of it this time and i was took back to the old days where i became disconnected again. Constantly shaking and not wanting to leave the sofa for weeks on end i was sure i was going to die. I was sure this was the ending of me and I’d never been so scared in all my life because unlike before i didn’t have youth on my side and had had a life of heavy partying. Anyways it was time to pack to go to Thailand and as soon as i got in the airport i was fine, i was cured and for a full 3 weeks up until the day before i had to come back i was the old conna again. But that day before made me realise i wasn’t going back to the old Conna again and sure enough when i got back i was a mess, more detached i had a pressure in my head that was unbearable i wanted to crawl in bed and forget the world. I went for tests and was put on antidepressants and whilst i was waiting for them to kick in i was transported into a world of shit. Luckily i had the one person by my side to deal with me and look after me my best friend Zoe. For weeks she as cooked and cleaned for me and stroked my head as i fall asleep crying and for once in my life i have a friend that is also true family to me. If it wasn’t for her i think i would of lost everything including my mind. I am still not better and i don’t know when i will be but the good thing is i have good days and bad days, granted mostly bad days but for snatched moments i am on this planet and theres a light and i wont let this beat me but for everyone that knows me please don’t think I’m being ignorant or i don’t care and don’t get mad when i don’t answer your messages or cancel a catch up. I am poorly and i never know what tomorrow is going to bring you might not be able to see my disability. But it is there over me constantly like a black cloud showering me with acid every time i try to smile.

Today as not been a good day but yesterday was and i know i can feel like yesterday again.  So even though I’m bad i know theres a future.

One life live it to the max and don’t be ashamed if at some stage in your life you also might need help i just hope that when you do you have someone amazing around you to look after you and be your rock.

Can i add I’m also in therapy and have come off the anti depressants too so i can finally put my demons to bed.

Moral of the story don’t let the bastards bring you down you have beautiful invisible wings on your back that can transport you to wherever you want to be.

Comments (12)

  • Joanne Reply

    ❤ I don’t need to say much as we’ve talked but this is very brave and in sure others will benefit. It’s a long and Ricky road as we both know but there are those that will give you a helping hand as you need it m. Much love x

    16th March 2017 at 7:49 pm
    • Conna Reply

      Thank you Joanne. We will get through this xx

      18th March 2017 at 12:26 pm
  • Lisa watt Reply

    Wish I can be like u and try use positives more than negatives it so hard, I’m still waiting for therapy as I two have struggled for years n at the moment I’m the worst I have ever been as my anxiety is through the roof and even the thought of going over the front door makes me ill and my head well it’s well and truly up my backside don’t know if coming or going and half time can’t say how feel as hard to describe when u don’t know yourself I feel so embarrassed with how I am and get annoyed for feeling so low and just want to hide away but can’t I got kids that need me they only reason I Forse myself to get out of bed,I’m just so lucky to have Daz by my side and support me, it so tirering trying to get negative comments out my head and try be positive it a constant battle I don’t seam to be winning at the moment, I completely get where u r coming from and just want u to know we r here if ever want to have chat big hugs xxx

    16th March 2017 at 8:39 pm
    • Conna Reply

      Aww Lisa i had no idea. There is nothing to be ashamed about. We all in our life time struggle but its about fighting it. Its never going to be easy and small steps must always be taken but one day your small steps will become big leaps. We cant let this beat us coz we only have one life and its for living. I am in constant pain in my head and have never been so low but i have the will of an ox and i wont let it beat me. Get some therapy and get to the root of the cause else you will be just going round in circles. Much love to you and your family xxxx

      18th March 2017 at 12:31 pm
  • Danelle Reply

    I am so proud of you XXX

    16th March 2017 at 8:49 pm
    • Conna Reply

      xxxx

      18th March 2017 at 12:26 pm
  • Laura (Mrs Lee from cotgrave). :) Reply

    Well..I never would of guessed that inside you are such a different person to what we see – your a amazing person (putting aside the ladies nights)
    You are such a meaningful person and I’m sure your friends are super proud of you and your little girl is proud to call you her daddy..
    Your a great person

    17th March 2017 at 5:09 pm
    • Conna Reply

      thank you so much for your comment Laura. I just hope it helps someone out one day xx

      18th March 2017 at 12:27 pm
  • Paul Wren Reply

    Love you bro, this was an interesting read. I’m here for you always x

    5th August 2017 at 9:38 pm
    • Conna Reply

      Love ya too bro. Lets kick some arse and look forward to a bright future x

      6th August 2017 at 12:29 am
  • Claire Reply

    Thankyou for writing this, you cannot imagine how your words have really touched me and encouraged me to face up to what I have been going through for a while now. Although i have only met you a few times at your events, your words have really struck a cord with me. I feel truly embarrassed with my recent behaviour and just want to be me again. I hope you are getting back to a good place, stay strong, keep the good people around you and take care of yourself. X

    23rd October 2017 at 11:36 am
    • Conna Reply

      I really hope this as helped you. Thank you so much for your kind words. Depression isnt an easy thing to fix but one small step everyday and facing your demons head on will always help. Many will admit defeat but the strongest take little steps to reach a greater goal xxx

      23rd October 2017 at 3:27 pm

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