26 Sep Love
Welcome to my Blog.
Im beginning to write really to put into words how i feel and make sense of who i am. In no way do i want to push my views out there but maybe give us a comment if you feel.
I remember someone saying to me once that I am always running away and didn’t have the balls to face up and fight for my relationships, that i would grow old on my own. What they did not know though and what I hide was the fact i had been battling in my mind for months on how can we make this better or even more so how can i get out of this with as little hurt as possible. All i could see was a life of arguments and and a life without the one who was truly meant for me and being deprived of walking down the promenade at 80 years old holding the hand of my soul mate. Maybe i was scared of the fact my home was gonna end up the same as when i was growing up, which was always filled with violence and manipulative mind games.
More on that in my next blog.
Yes i ran and i ran as fast as i could leaving a trail of broken promises behind and maybe a few broken hearts whilst pushing that self destruct button as hard as i could until my next victim came along, I say victim but she was always going to be the one, my Disney Fairy tail and my happy ending and my soul mate. But flaws and cracks always appear and my happy ending was getting further and further away. I guess the honeymoon period had ended and the rose tinted glass no longer hid the fact we was on different paths and had different beliefs. Not that there was anything wrong with them it’s just the fact they was finally being themselves instead of how i wanted them to be and the realisation of looking in to their eyes for the rest of my life was no longer an option so once again i’d run.
(You can put two good people together and make a bomb)
Is the grass greener now? Well all grass is green until you have walked on it countless times and when it dies it’s time to move to the next field. Is being single better than being in a relationship. No but being single beats being with the wrong person.
Have i ever been in love YESSS and it was the most amazing feeling in the world. Imagine holding someones hand all night every night for years or coming home to special notes laying around the house and a deep understanding that can only be seen or understood by just the two of you. Imagine being in the car and holding her thigh with a deep grip or squeezing each others hands until they sweat and not having to say a word because you dont have too and then imagine it coming to an end The feeling cuts deeper than any knife ever could and i could just imagine every god up there who made it happen are screaming how, what, why…….. (I ask myself this everyday).
When a love is that deep it affects people in different ways for some they hold on to you so tight and do everything to make sure they’re not going to lose you, and in essence take away everything they loved about you in the beginning away, because them good qualities become an insecurity to them. They want to keep you in a bubble and not let anyone else come close to you. Every girl becomes a threat and a night away with the lads or a break alone becomes impossible because the stories that are made up in there mind are going to come true and it eats them up to the point of insanity and therefore in turn destroys them and also destroys you.
Thats all i want to say on that if im honest.
(I believe in soul mates)
Where am i now? Well im not out every weekend trying to shag everything in a skirt or saying yes to everyone on Tinder. Yes im a stripper but stripper aint short for slag. (Well not in my case anyways) this surprises people because if i had a penny for every time someone says to me and i quote “Bet you get loads of offers, Bet your shagging all the time, bet you could have anyone you want”.
Is any of that true NOOOO because pointless sex is just pointless and is no more satisfying to me than watching porn. And would i really want to sleep with someone that wants to sleep with a stripper within the first hour of meeting them NOOOO.
Im not looking for anything for once in my life. These people who go from relationship to relationship breaking hearts and leaving a trail of destruction behind them with their broken promises. Take a minute to stop blaming everyone else for it failing and ask yourself do i need to find myself and more importantly take your time.
If i don’t find my Disney you will find me on a beach somewhere hot with a sangria on tap and my guitar in hand.
Dont let anyone clip your wings