From as far back as i can remember id always struggled with life. My mind was sensitive to everyone and everything around me. Even as a kid i had fears of dying or getting hurt and rejection. I remember standing at the top of the stairs pissing in my pants shouting down the stairs i don’t want to die. Unfortunately this was followed by a shout back to get into bed. By the time i was 12 i had become detached from the world, id struggle to be on this planet and my whole world was seen through misty glass as if i wasn’t here. Walking in supermarkets or public spaces made me panic and i would often seen running out or getting out my brown paper bag. Luckily i came back down to earth i cant remember how long it lasted but i guess between a year and three years. I wasn’t a happy child i know why and very few people know why but lets just say you wouldn’t believe me even if i told you.
Jumping on a few years after missing i believe up to 7 years of schooling i was told i couldn’t attend my last year of schooling as I'd never done any work so i left not being able to read or write properly and found myself as a brick layers labourer in Germany at the age of 15. Following that i took to roofing and at the age of 16 or 17 i went to live in ibiza and then followed by a successful career in musicals and cruise ships and other bits and bats. Everything was fine yes it was hard and my depression followed me around but i got through and i was always the life and soul of the party. So much happened in between that constituted me living in tents and caravans and sometimes on the streets but i was a free spirit and mostly i saw this as an adventure.
The next part of my life belongs to another blog as today i need to talk about how i am today.
4 months ago I'd have spells where the world would come crushing down on me it only lasted a few minutes but it was scary and i just put it down to being tired and then i remember setting up for a Christmas show and nearly collapsed and then it all started again i didn’t come out of it this time and i was took back to the old days where i became disconnected again. Constantly shaking and not wanting to leave the sofa for weeks on end i was sure i was going to die. I was sure this was the ending of me and I'd never been so scared in all my life because unlike before i didn’t have youth on my side and had had a life of heavy partying. Anyways it was time to pack to go to Thailand and as soon as i got in the airport i was fine, i was cured and for a full 3 weeks up until the day before i had to come back i was the old conna again. But that day before made me realise i wasn’t going back to the old Conna again and sure enough when i got back i was a mess, more detached i had a pressure in my head that was unbearable i wanted to crawl in bed and forget the world. I went for tests and was put on antidepressants and whilst i was waiting for them to kick in i was transported into a world of shit. Luckily i had the one person by my side to deal with me and look after me my best friend Zoe. For weeks she as cooked and cleaned for me and stroked my head as i fall asleep crying and for once in my life i have a friend that is also true family to me. If it wasn’t for her i think i would of lost everything including my mind. I am still not better and i don’t know when i will be but the good thing is i have good days and bad days, granted mostly bad days but for snatched moments i am on this planet and theres a light and i wont let this beat me but for everyone that knows me please don’t think I’m being ignorant or i don’t care and don’t get mad when i don’t answer your messages or cancel a catch up. I am poorly and i never know what tomorrow is going to bring you might not be able to see my disability. But it is there over me constantly like a black cloud showering me with acid every time i try to smile.
Today as not been a good day but yesterday was and i know i can feel like yesterday again. So even though I’m bad i know theres a future.
One life live it to the max and don’t be ashamed if at some stage in your life you also might need help i just hope that when you do you have someone amazing around you to look after you and be your rock.
Can i add I’m also in therapy and have come off the anti depressants too so i can finally put my demons to bed.
Moral of the story don’t let the bastards bring you down you have beautiful invisible wings on your back that can transport you to wherever you want to be.